Cafe Hats

Claudine thought it was an unusual name for a cafe, but my mind was on other things.

“You didn’t tell me I had to wear a hat,” said Claudine. Her mouth worked faster than her brain, and at times it was endearing and at other times not so much.

“It’s not like an entry requirement or anything. It’s just a gimmick, and you know how cashed up city types are — anything for a giggle,” I said while scanning the room for potential trouble. The only potential problem was the bloke wearing braces and a belt. Probably got ‘dacked’ when he was at school, and never got over it. A six-figure salary with bonuses and he’s afraid his pants will fall down. Then again, I’m wearing a red waistcoat with stripes, so who am I to give fashion advice?

“Even so, I’ve got a cute hat I bought at a Thrift Shop. I’ve been dying to try it out.”

“I’ll tell you what, if you stop talking about hats I’ll bring you back here next Friday night and you can show off your millinery to your heart’s content — deal?”

“Deal,” said Claudine, but I could see that she still had more to contribute to the subject, but the thought of a night out ‘all expenses paid’ was too good to pass up, so she gently closed her beautiful mouth and began thinking of another subject — at least that’s what I think she was doing. I was watching the woman with the pyramid earrings.

The cafe was packed with bright young things all semi-drunk after a tough week of playing with other people’s money. The decibel level was beyond the point where a Heavy Metal Band would tell us to keep it down — no chance of hearing what Ms Earrings was saying even though I was close enough to reach out and touch her.

“Step back and bump into her. Let’s see what she does and let’s see who notices,” I said.

“Bump into who?” said Claudine.

“The woman behind you. Purple hat, big earrings.”

Claudine looked over her shoulder and took a step back. Her bump never eventuated because she stepped on the woman’s foot and in her haste to ‘unstep’ she emptied the remains of her Gin and Tonic on Purple Hat and Big Earrings dress.

Claudine was mortified, and even though I couldn’t hear over the din, it seemed that she was apologising and encouraging the woman to head for the Ladies.

I wasn’t game to follow, but I imagined them removing the dress, washing it under the tap and running it under the electric hand dryer. The whole process would take about eight to ten minutes based on my own experience of spilling soy sauce on my pants at the Chinese on the High Street last Easter. I took it as a punishment from God for eating out at a Chinese Restuarant on Good Friday.

I scanned the room, but no one except the woman she was talking to took any interest so I could relax just a bit.

Eight minutes means I have time for another drink.

Right on cue, the two women emerged from the toilets with Big Earrings giving her dress a final straighten.

When Claudine got back to where I was standing, I leaned in close and said, “That was a bit more than I expected.”

“She wears very expensive underwear, she’s not a bit shy, and the colour in her dress didn’t run, even though it should have. Purple is notoriously hard to make fast. Oh, yes, and she slipped away from her minders, ‘I can’t breathe with those goons watching me all the time. Has your fella got a friend? I’ve been living like a nun for the past few weeks, and I could really use a bloody good…”

“Okay, I get the point. Lean over and tell her, yes. I’ll make a call. My boss is going to wet himself when I tell him she fell into my arms without her close support.”

I stepped outside to make the call, and I’m sure I heard my boss squeal like a little girl.

He said he could be there in ten minutes and gave a brief rundown of what he would do to me if I were winding him up. I assured him I wasn’t.

I walked back into the cafe, and the two women were gone and so was the bloke in the braces and belt.

I know Claudine will have an excellent story to tell when I catch up with her, but for now, I needed to exit the building.

I’ll explain it all to my boss once I find out where they went and when he has had time to calm down and dry off his pants.

Claudine may call me later tonight or in the morning, and she may still have Big Earrings without her escort, but I doubt it. Life is never that easy. The Universe is never that kind.

I’ll catch up to Big Earrings eventually, and I’ll find out what she knows — I’m good at my job.

In the meantime, I’m going to buy a hat.

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