Watering Can.

People tend to overlook ordinary things.

It’s only when you actually have something valuable that you give any thought to where you might hide it.

As soon as you have stuff there is always someone who is keen to take it away from you.

Safes, banks, strong boxes come to mind but I cannot help thinking that the best place to hide something, is somewhere you’d not expect.

I work on the theory that if I have something worth stealing someone is going to be resourceful enough to circumvent whatever security I put in place. So I take a different approach.

I have all the usual high-tech gadgets; it’s expected, but I don’t keep a lot in my safe; that’s the first place they are going to look. I won’t bore you anymore with my theories but know this; the few times that thieves have gotten past my security they have gone away disappointed. Sure, they probably got a few hundred dollars that I keep in my safe as ‘walking around money’, but they never find the important stuff.

Trying to hide stuff from the police or the Fed’s, in your house, is a waste of time. Those motherfuckers will dismantle your abode and leave you with a pile of sticks. If you want to keep something out of their clutches, store it off-site.

Most importantly, don’t trust anyone with information that leads to your hard earned [ill-gotten?] booty. The lover who adores you today will flip on you tomorrow in order to keep his/her pretty rear end out of prison. The faithful wife/husband will shop you in a heartbeat as soon as they learn about your lover. Kids will drop you in it just for the giggles. Seriously, kids are the worst. They are happy to spend your money while hating your guts for being whatever it is they think you shouldn’t be.

In my experience, the only person you can trust is your mum and your bartender, and I’m not completely sure about mums; just saying.

Bartenders are amazingly loyal.

I’m not talking about the backpacker who is bar-tending his/her way around the world, I’m talking about that dying breed of men [and occasionally women] who have been bartenders all their adult lives.

Some have saved up enough to buy their own small place but most work for someone else.

They see the world the way it is. They have no ambition beyond being good at their job. They rarely have families of their own and you can tell them absolutely anything and they won’t tell the cops no matter what they threaten them with.

On the other hand, if you need an alibi, they will make up a plausible time, date and detail for you on the spot.

“He was here all night officer.”

“Seeing as how he was drinking beer all night, didn’t he need to take a leak?”

“No sir. He’s famous for his bladder capacity. Almost made it into the Guinness book of records.”

“That is the biggest load of horse shit I’ve ever heard.”

“Stick around officer, it’s still early.”

Bloody brilliant.

Even so, you run a risk telling your bartender important stuff because he is likely to get himself killed in the process of not telling.

A bloke can always get more stuff, but a good bartender is hard to come by. Besides, blokes tend to shout when they have had a few, so ‘whispering’ to your bartender is most likely going to be overheard.

 I watch a lot of old black and white movies; mostly Westerns. In those movies, nearly all the bank robbers hide their stash up a chimney, [which seems to me, to be fraught with problems], and down the well. The whole ‘chuck it down the well’ seemed to work so it got me thinking. I don’t have well but I do have a watering can.

I don’t even put it away, I just leave it out, right near my wife’s garden beds. Last place anyone is going to look.

Now, if you will excuse me, I’m off to spend some time with my bartender. Do you think I should tell him where I keep my stuff?

Probably best if I don’t. He’s a good bloke and I’d hate to see anything happen to him.

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Painting by Kenton Nelson.

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Terry’s caffeine levels are low. Do you think you could help?

Enjoy my work? Then buy me a coffee?